Quotes On Humor

A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who, however, has never learned how to walk forward.

Abs are for wimps.

Running through airports with pounds of luggage - that's a good workout.

New York is so full of the best unemployed actors on the planet.

You can write a book on how to ruin someone's perfect day.

When I see a kid throwing a massive tantrum in a grocery store, part of me is like, 'Man, I feel you.'

As long as we are fortunate enough to be breathing, we will breathe in, breathe through, breathe deep, breathe out. And I am a doctor now so I know how breathing works.

This one even comes with a phone so he can break up with other girls.

This is a song about a guy who made the choice to cheat on me, and probably shouldn't have because I write songs.

They were like, 'Oh my god, she's going to defeat Thanos!' I let everyone down. Again.

So he calls me up and he's like, 'I still love you.' And I'm like, 'I'm sorry, I'm busy opening up the Grammys and we are never getting back together. Like ever.'

If you're horrible to me, I'm going to write a song about it, and you won't like it. That's how I operate.